Monday, November 19, 2012

Little Glimpses

It's possible that the slightly manic phases that I have in which I actually do what I'm supposed to do, including shower, dress, check the mail, fertilize the garden, bake, knit, write, etc., are not a sign of impending mental illness, but are the self-actualization of what I thought this stay-at-home business would really be like.

Is that even possible?

I struggled and struggled, trying to find balance and peace.  And couldn't, so therefore, I immediately deemed myself a failure.  But lo, after 14 months, a glimmer of light.  Balance is for sissies.  The only times I've felt really committed and kick-ass at this thing is when I've run myself ragged either in the house or the yard or the world beyond.  I KNOW - sounds crazy, right?  But there's something so seductive about crossing something off the to-do list.  And even more seductive is crossing off more things.

What that should tell you is that moms who work full time AND do this shit are superhuman.  And by that I mean super from the Latin meaning over and above.  How did I ever do it?  How?  The answer is, I didn't.  I was exhausted.  And all my plants were dead.  And we ate at Sonic four days a week.  But it was the best I could do.

I'm still doing the best I can.  And I still miss teaching -- a lot.  And I'm still exhausted.  I'm just kicking ass in a different kind classroom.

And I'm good with that.

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