Nature's Most Perfect Food, Part Un

For the first time in a long time, those ads on the right side of my Facebook page got it right.  I usually have requests to take off that stubborn belly fat, to try laser hair removal, and to spoil my grandchildren.   Day after day after day.  I don't know whether to be horribly offended or utterly humiliated.  How did they know?  Does it look that thick?  I will KILL her.


Anyway, today was different.  It was if the clouds had parted and the angels began to sing.  The top ad on FB today was for a t-shirt.  The happiest, truest statement t-shirt ever.  It said:

Either you like BACON

or you're wrong.

Can I get an amen?

I have this ongoing argument with my dad about what is nature's most perfect food.  He thinks it's Fritos.  Now, he likes bacon as much as the next guy and being from West Texas, grew up eating bacon with pretty much everything.  But he believes that Fritos are nature's most perfect food.  When I pointed out that chemically-extruded fried corn snack chips don't exactly qualify as natural, he was unmoved.  Which led us to a significantly more scientific analysis.

So, here's how the conversation usually goes:

Me:  Dad, there are three basic qualities that NMPF must have.  It must have the power to make you feel good.  

Dad:  Fritos make me happy.  I love them.  And they love me.

Me:  But not like bacon.  You know that feeling when you wake up and you smell bacon cooking and you know it's going to be a good day?  

Dad:  I like the smell of Fritos.

Me:  But how do can they make you happy?  

Dad:  Because they are always accompanied by chili or bean dip.

Now, you know and I know that the second quality of nature's most perfect food is that it should enhance or improve the flavor of everything it's served with.  I'll grant that chili and bean dip are lovely with Fritos.  But, you can wrap anything in bacon and it will be instantly elevated to greatness.  You know that moment when the waitress is telling you the specials (won't be having that moment for a while), and she mentions some item wrapped in bacon?  And you know how you can't remember any other special mentioned before or after except for the one wrapped in bacon?  You don't even remember what it is that is wrapped in bacon, but you order it anyway.  I know.

Let's be honest.  You could wrap anything in bacon, and I would probably eat it.  Fritos do not lend themselves logistically to wrapping or fine dining.


Me:  But Dad, the most important requirement for NMPF is that it has to be able to be served with all three meals - breakfast, lunch, and dinner.


Dad:  Fritos can.


Me:  You can't eat Fritos for breakfast.


Dad:  I can.


This is pretty much how every argument I have ever had with my dad ends up.  But, they're not making Frito t-shirts, are they?  Or Frito bandaids, or Frito lip balm, or Frito car fresheners, are they?  No, they are not.  But they are making all of those things in Bacon.  Is it wrong that I know this because I own or have been given, at one time or another, all of these items?


If it's wrong, then I don't want to be right.